In the past ten days Ted has passed out twice which has resulted in stitches in his head, two trips to the lab for blood work, a liver ultrasound, an echocardiogram and two visits to the primary care physician with a third visit scheduled for February 25th.
To say it has been an eventful couple of weeks would be an understatement.
And as I sit here by the fire with a cup of tea, only recently returned from the cardiologist, I felt the need to sit down and work out my thoughts.
This might sound really weird, but I am relieved and pleased at all that has happened. And yes, I am uptight.
But first the relieved.
See Ted is very overweight. He has been since his late-teen years. He lives a sedentary lifestyle preferring computer related activities to anything else. Couple his inactivity with a poor diet and it equals where he is now. I have learned though, mostly through raising Ted just what the expression “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink” means. I can’t make Ted eat wholesome food. I can provide it. I can prepare meals with it. But I can’t make him eat it.
Nor can I make him exercise. I can exercise. I can provide opportunities for him to exercise. But I can’t force him to exercise. So instead, I model what I consider to be good behavior and then I wait.
Over the course of the last two years Ted has begun to come around. He is walking and doing some stretching exercises. Somehow sensing the moment to be right I have made some suggestions and he has been open to the ideas. Baby steps I thought.
Then last Monday I invited him to do some weight lifting exercises with Neal and I. Again he agreed, and encouraged, we designed what we thought was a beginner-level session with six exercises. He eagerly completed the workout with us and then immediately afterwards, he passed out, fell, hit his head, went to the doctor for stitches and the parade of medical tests began.
And that is why I am relieved.
I am relieved because he’s admitting and addressing his physical condition. He even worked out with us a second time, which resulted in the second state of brief unconsciousness.
But he wants help and is willing to overcome the present obstacles and put forth the effort to get it.
Guys this is huge for Ted.
And a relief to me.
Now the pleased part.
He has gone to each of these doctor’s appointments, filled out all the paperwork, asked all the questions, on his own.
This morning I sat in the corner of the waiting room (Ted doesn’t drive so I provided the transportation) and while I tried to read my book he went to the counter, spoke to the receptionist, signed himself in and went back for the test, alone.
I thought about all the IEP meetings, all the times in the principal’s office, the 4,398 phone calls I got from his aide, I thought of how so very involved I was, and now, I have successfully handed that responsibility to him.
On the drive home he told me how glad he was to have the test over.
“It was very stressful,” he said.
“Were you stressed more because of what they might find or because you were doing something you haven’t done before?” I asked.
“Both,” he replied and then added, “it was mostly not knowing what was going to happen. That was what stressed me and my blood pressure showed that. They took it both before and after the test and my diastolic dropped 12 points on the after the test reading.”
“The test was over and you relaxed,” I confirmed.
“Absolutely.”
“If you had to go back and get a second echo would you be as stressed?” I asked.
“Not nearly as much because I would know what to expect,” he answered.
“Ted, you are doing a great job recognizing what you are feeling and why, and please know dad and I are with you all the way, but we are going to continue to let you go to these appointments on your own,” I said.
“Actually, that’s the way I prefer it,” he replied.
“As you should.”
And with that we changed the subject and that is why I am pleased. Because my son is facing the unknown on his own. He is stressed, as he should be, but he is recognizing it, and properly so. See, I have always said, he just has a different curriculum. He just has always had to channel his efforts in a slightly different direction than most. But it is working. And with the extra time he has been afforded, because yes, his developmental time-table has always been set differently, he is making the progress that he needs to make, the way he needs to make it.
I am so very proud of him. I mean really, he is having some scary tests done and he is articulating and coping with his stress. Anyone who is autistic or the parent of an autistic child knows how freakin’ huge that is. And although part of me is concerned about what we might find, I am more relieved that we are on the right path. He is willing to work on his health and walk straight, and on his own, into unknown and highly stressful situations.
Today’s experience also confirmed to me that when push comes to shove, I don’t care that I’ve never been paid one red cent for being a mother, because dear God, I am the richest woman in the world for being one and I don’t need anyone, not even the President of the United States to recognize the work I do, because I know, down to the core of my soul just how very important and worthwhile the work I do is.
Guiding my son and watching him go from not being able to cope with the slightest unknown to being able to face one of the scariest unknowns, well, highlights just how important my job as a mother is and the fact that others often do not recognize that learning occurs at the direction of mothers, from the moment a child is born, and not just in preschool programs is shameful.*
How reaffirming it is to know how I have mattered in the life of one little boy who is well on his way to becoming an independent man. The government couldn’t tax the 1%ers enough to pay mothers what they are truly worth.
1. I am so sorry, this is happening, it must be so scary to you all. i am glad Ted has a firm base of you all to lean on during such times. 2. I had to giggle because his words about it being scary not knowing what was going to happen sound exactly like my little guy. peas in a pod they are
. I will be thinking of you all and wishing good things.
Thank you. At the moment I am approaching this as doctors eliminating extreme possibilities and that all is fundamentally okay and that he just needs a more gentle and steady exercise program to help him shed the weight. And I laughed at you saying you laughed because I imagined writing 21 year old Ted a social story about going to get an echocardiogram! Can you imagine the two of us sitting together before his bedtime reading it- me, this grey haired mom reading a social story to my 6’2″, 280# son!
Yes, there is still some of that little six year old boy who gets anxious about stuff he doesn’t know about and it touches my heart to know so much changes and yet so little changes. Thanks for your support. 
This sounds so scary, but at the same time, I have to say, “Way to go Mom!” You have given him the tools to get through it. You have made him independent. That is so, so huge! It is awesome. As for all the tests, I’ll be praying for you. Hugs.
Thanks Erin. I am hoping all will be well and he can resume a more gentle exercise program in a few weeks. But yes, I am so encouraged at both his independence and desire to be independent and he has handled the situation wonderfully. You know, we mothers spend years, decades even, working with our kids and it is so satisfying to see the fruits of our efforts. It can happen and it does happen and yes, I also get frustrated (actually very frustrated) when mothers and their efforts are overlooked by society and when I hear that only teachers teach children and that learning only happens in schools. It saddens me, because yes, teachers do teach children and children do learn in schools, but there is SO MUCH learning that happens in the home, at the direction of the mother, and why is that more often than not left out of the discussion? I will be quiet now, just irks me to no end!
This was very heart-warming to read. My Aspergers son is almost 13, and sometimes I feel like I could never even dream of him doing what your son has achieved. I am glad you realise what an important job it is you’re doing – you should be so proud of yourself for all you have achieved too.
When Ted was 13, believe me, I could not dream of what he is doing at 21. There is more work to be done but it is happening at the pace he needs and that is so very, very reassuring to me! And yes, we mothers need to celebrate our efforts and our hard work because so often it is not celebrated by society. I just wanted to share with mothers like you, who might be wondering, just as I was, are my efforts working? I just wanted to use this current experience in our lives to illustrate that YES! it is working. Just hold on, keep doing what you are doing and you will be there too!
Well I am very glad that you chose to share it. We are going backwards a little bit at the moment and it is always great to hear about the successes of others who have been down similar paths. It gives me so much hope that we will get through this.
One step forward, two steps back. You are probably pretty familiar with that expression! I know I was. Your son is 13, a lot of changes going on aren’t there! Freshman year of high school and 14, oh my, now there was a year. Ted called it the worst year of his life and he was probably spot on about that. He was suspended from school for 5 days, he had reconstructive surgery on his right index finger after almost losing it to a circular saw, oh man, it comes down hard sometimes and yet you kept going, and now, it seems so far away. We still have a ways to go, he’s gotta figure out his place in the world, and that’s a biggie, but you know, it’s going to work out, I just believe down to my soul it will, and I hope very much for you, you too will feel that way about your son.
It sounds like you’ve been on a bit of roller coaster – scary and at the same time uplifting. I hope things turn out okay for Ted healthwise. It’s great to hear that he’s taking charge, in spite of how difficult and stressful that must be.
Thank you, I truly appreciate your kind thoughts. You know I absolutely LOVED roller coasters when I was a kid and as an adult they make me nauseous, but since you mentioned them as an apt description of these past couple of weeks I am going to remember why I loved them as kid, the rush, the thrill, how the ups accentuated the downs and vice versa.
What an amazing post! I’m so happy for you and Ted but really not surprised of it all.
I do hope the test results are fine or that it’s nothing too serious. I’m happy they are taking him seriously.
I have to be everywhere with my daughter because of her anxiety – but I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that she’s afraid people will make her do things she can’t (like stand, or walk, or sit when she can’t). I know one day she’ll be free to be her own little self.
Thanks for your kind words. Ironic that with your daughter it is a struggle to get tests and I am thinking, at least at this point, they are a bit test happy with Ted. Crazy world we live in. Hopefully by the time your daughter is 21 she will be ready and relieved to go to visits on her own and yes, I am relieved Ted has achieved this milestone.
What a beautiful, inspiring story. As a mother, I am learning from your courage and determination and yes, parenting style.
Congratulations on the triumph that you and your son are enjoying now. I hope your son’s health is ok and that he just gets better from here on. 
Thank you Imelda! Wow, I am touched by your most thoughtful words. Thank you again. I am encouraged by all that is happening. Perhaps that is odd to say, just hours away from going to the cardiologist for a follow-up appointment to learn more about Ted’s possibly enlarged heart. But I believe, at least now, that is an opportunity for Ted to take charge of his health. It is that wake-up call that we all get about the things we need to change. He has accepted the responsibility he needs to take and I am pleased that I can be here to support him, however I can, and to help him develop the habits that will set the stage for healthy living. Now, let’s just hope this afternoon’s visit feeds my encouragement!