As I am quietly trying to sort out a head full of conflicting and controversial thoughts about the world and autism, I thought I would republish this post from January 2012. I liked revisiting this post and being reminded of how Ted sees the world and his place in it. For someone so young, he has a tremendous sense of self-awareness. He doesn’t trip over so many of the things a lot of us trip over. (Things I am currently tripping over.) No. He learns but he doesn’t over think. He adjusts but he doesn’t over analyze. He just does. And then he presses on without worry and without regret. To me, Ted so succinctly sums up what it means to live an authentic life.
Excerpt from Teddy Update: November 5, 1998 – First Grade
October 8 Scratched a student and ruined teacher’s paperwork. Loud in line in the hallways.
October 14 Slapped a girl on the face at recess. Did not return to class after going to the bathroom. Was missing for 30 minutes and teachers had to search for him.
October 19 Threw away lunch money check from home.
October 20 Arguing with the girls at recess.
October 22 Chewing on a student’s shirt.
October 23 Hitting with a rope at recess.
October 27 Fighting with a boy at recess.
October 28 Noisy at assembly.
October 30 Put hands around a girl’s neck at recess.
November 2, 3, 4 Fell asleep in class
I talked to Ted about why he does some of the things he does at recess and he said he likes to hit even though he knows he shouldn’t because, “It tells the kids who are bothering me that I want them to leave me alone.” He said he does this most often when he is teased. Last Friday he put his hands around the girl’s neck because she said to him, “I bet you can’t beat me up!” – End of Excerpt
Yesterday afternoon, more than 13 years after this was written, a now 20-year-old Ted and I talked about this time. What could he remember? And with maturity and distance could he help me understand what he experienced? His response…
I don’t really remember much about that time. I was out of my mind. But what I do know is I didn’t care about the social contract. I still don’t. The example of putting my hands around the girl’s neck, I think I understood the consequences of my actions, that I would get in trouble for it, most six years old do. But I think I wanted to surprise her more by actually doing it because I figured she thought I wouldn’t, and so to me, it was worth being punished to do it. I wanted people to leave me alone more than I cared about being punished. Wanting to be left alone hasn’t changed. I can just control myself better now than I could then.
Take making eye contact for example. I don’t want to. I would rather be looking at the oven. (We were in the kitchen.) I have to MAKE myself look at you. I used to not be able to do that and talk to you. I can now and will when I think I should, not for me, but because I think the situation calls for me to. I can use my intelligence to make myself do things I am supposed to, when I HAVE to, not because I naturally would.
I think that is why I stopped having meltdowns. Because as I got older, I could use my intelligence to make myself do what I HAD to do, not necessarily what I wanted to do. I also started caring less about more of what happened and when I cared less it helped me just want to get out of the situation quicker, easier, and get back to what I wanted. I play the game if you will. But then, really, doesn’t everybody?
When I asked him if his OCD was problematic he said it was at times. Then he laughed and pointed over his shoulder to the plate rack just behind him. “But I also enjoy it. Haven’t you noticed when I unload the dishwasher I always put the plates back in color spectrum order?”
I nodded and said that indeed I had.
“But you know,” he added, “we are missing violet.”
I told him I would be happy to get a couple purple plates.
He smiled.
And so did I.
My boy just keeps teaching me you gotta roll with life.
Related Article: On the Lighter Side…
Love this. Words of wisdom from T.
It’s a classic story of the child becoming the teacher.
This is so encouraging to me. My 3-year-old grandson was diagnosed on the autism spectrum about a year ago; his is moderate to severe, not Asperger’s. We are seeing much progress with the early intervention he’s gotten and are greatly encouraged. But it’s even more encouraging to hear about someone who had many of the same struggles but is now an adult and has come out on the other side, so to speak. Thank you for sharing about Ted and what he went through as a child. He sounds like such a wonderful young man now. By all means, get him those purple plates!
I went out and got purple plates the day after this conversation. Of course my boy was going to have the entire spectrum!
It is wonderful to be able to write honestly about the evolution of my son. The contrast of those early days, the near daily struggles, the horrible reports from school. It was stressful, it was isolating, it was scary but we kept on. We had no choice. And although in those early days, we didn’t know of very many people, Temple Grandin, Donna Williams and a handful of other adult autistics, we plowed ahead with this abstract idea that somehow all would be well. So now, to see how maturity has helped him to understand and cope with what he couldn’t cope with when younger, is one of the most awesome experiences of my life. I have learned so much. Be patient, know that time is your ally as there will be so many neurological developments going on in your grandson’s little brain. And take care of yourselves, as you know, raising children, is not a sprint, it is a marathon. Thanks so much for stopping by and participating in our conversation! 
A lot of people could learn about by thinking the way he thinks!
Not really sure how much sense that makes….
You make perfect sense! And yes, Ted has become my mentor. I love how he thinks for himself and does not concern himself with so many things that concern others. He’s very free in that respect!
You are an amazing mom. I read this article the last time you posted it, and I found it just as fascinating again today. Thank you so much for sharing. It is very insightful, and helps me a lot. I hope you will find something today that brings a smile to your face
Why thank you Becky. I smiled almost all day while it rained outside and I was curled up with a book. Thanks for reading and being such a nice blog friend. Just that brings a smile to my face!
Sounds like a good day to me! What are you reading?
I read The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Juno Diaz. I couldn’t put it down until it was done!
Hmmm, I’ll have to add it to my list of books to read.
If your list is anything like mine I guess you will get to it sometime in, oh, 2015!
Yep. It just keeps getting longer!
I love this. Your Teddy is like a glimpse into my Troy’s future. He is just starting to be able to have these kinds of conversations with me, and it is fascinating. Thanks for (re) sharing.
Thanks Erin! You will continue to see with Troy’s maturity, doors that weren’t open before swing open. Experiencing this with your child is one of the largest joys of parenthood.
I think it’s brilliant that you even think to discuss that time with him, to understand how he sees it. Clearly you two have a very communicative relationship, at least now. I’m sure it wasn’t so easy years ago. The plates are beautiful, the way he arranged them. It’s a very satisfying thing to do. But I’m talking about me, and I’m sure I never had to struggle with compulsions the way he must. It must have been so incredibly hard to be that kid who’s misunderstood and teased in school. I like the way he brings the conversation back to “doesn’t everybody?” – normalizing the situation. And then he finds the positive (enjoyment) in the plate order, and jabs you with a gentle punch about violet.
Funny that I was eating my breakfast as I read your comment and looked down at my cereal bowl and saw that it was violet – the bowl was from the set of purple Fiesta Ware I got after this conversation. Thank you for your kind words. I read your comment several times as it was packed with so many thoughts I wanted to make sure I comprehended them all. I am so touched when people take the time to share with me, it means a great deal that you have taken your precious time to be here. Ted has been my life’s work, and so many lessons have been learned from raising him. I feel as if multiple Ph.Ds should be bestowed upon mothers for raising children. The knowledge, the compassion that comes from helping another being go from being complete dependence to future independence, well it is awesome and seems so very, very underrated in our society. While Ted is still finding his way, I am so grateful to have him with me, to talk about what we couldn’t talk about before. These conversations are so very interesting, they are journeys through a different brain, and I like his brain so very much. And yes, school was hard for him, and despite the hardships, and the fact that he considers himself a misanthrope, he has a deep compassion and I wonder if it is a result of his early struggles. Several years ago Ted wrote what he calls his Manifesto and this is in his introduction: “Those who would defend their own freedom but fail to stand up for that of others fail to see that only in a society where all individual freedom is valued above all else are they free at all.”
Wow, good for him! You know, there are people who “like” your (one’s) posts, whose own posts are nice but don’t touch you very deeply, and you “like” their posts, and on and on and back and forth. Then there are those whose posts mean more, and you leave a comment, they leave a comment, and a relationship that’s valuable begin. Thanks.
I know exactly what you mean. For me, my entire life, and here too now in the blogging world, there have many nice, casual relationships, relationships that have made my life pleasant. But there have been far fewer that have touched me, that lift me, that make my heart sing and make me realize that I am not so alone. Those relationships, that little minority of relationships, well they are what I call magic. I guess it has taken me four decades to finally realize, appreciate and yes, accept, what my mom meant when she said “less is more.” Thank you.
What a beautiful post. I went from feeling hurt or sad by all the event listed (as thought only Ted was doing something wrong) to feeling happy (they were being mean but Ted has everything under control now). And yes, the plates – his beautiful mind.
You must feel so complete with such a wonderful boy.
Oh thank you for coming by! He did have everything under control, didn’t he. Unfortunately not in a very socially acceptable way. I have often imagined Teddy to be like the Wild West, were he took matters into his own hands. But you know, in a way I felt like he was justified as he quickly learned (because he was taught) he had no one looking out for him. What a sad state really. They didn’t find out about the teasing he received because they didn’t ask, they just punished him. With all the talk about bullying now, which I don’t remember being spoken of 15 years ago, I sure hope the teachers and administrators have learned to ask questions or else the situation isn’t ever going to really improve. And yes, I am a very fortunate mother to have such a wonderful young man!
Oh and I meant to say: I LOVE how you use your blog – or blog – quite simply!
Why thank you madam!
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