“We haven’t told the others yet,” my coworker said to me yesterday. “They aren’t going to take it as well as you did.”
“As well as I did…” Her words lingered in the air as I felt my mouth fill with what I wanted to say. And it all was very negative.
“Not yet.” I told myself. “Say nothing.”
I got up to get a glass of water.
But mostly I got up to get away.
Just because I didn’t scream, cry, plead or argue. Because I remained calm. Because I used my energy to ignore the wave of emotion that wanted to take me under and instead listened to how my job might be incorporated into someone else’s job. Does that mean I took it well?
I took it well because I haven’t admitted that I felt like I got kicked in the gut?
I took it well because I didn’t tell them I was up most of that night, unable to sleep because I was overwhelmed by the feelings of rejection, worthlessness, and failure?
I took it well because I went into work the next afternoon and performed my job?
Do they think I cared so little about a job I put so much into that I wasn’t upset to hear it may no longer be mine?
It is not autistics who lack empathy!
Since this happened last Wednesday I haven’t been able to write. But I can now and I really want to share with you why.
I can write now because even though I have spent a good part of a week depressed and wondering if there is truly good in the world, I have been shown there is. I have experienced a tremendous amount of love and been able to open my tear swollen eyes to the beauty that fills my little part of the world.
I saw this flower Sunday morning. It was folded. It was making itself small. This flower was me…
Because of that flower, I got out my camera and began walking around my backyard looking for what is always there but I don’t always take the time to see. Here are some images of the beauty that fills my world…
And most beautiful of all, was what I photographed waiting for me when I came home from work the day after this episode happened. My daughter had gotten me glorious peonies, my favorite dark chocolate almonds and a card. And inside the card she wrote…
You are wonderful and inspirational and I wish everyone saw how absolutely amazing you are. Hopefully someday you will find a job where they see your many talents and skills and respect your work ethic and attitude. I love you so much and you are a wonderful mom and role model. I know you will do great.
My darling Meg, I already have found a job where my talents and skills and work ethic have paid off. I have raised two children who have the capacity to love and care about others. There is nothing else I could do that is more important.
I don’t know yet what will happen with my job. I don’t know if I will ever tell them the pain that came from being told I might lose it. I don’t know.
Maybe I will show them this post.
Who cares really.
Because you know what?
I am one very fortunate woman.
I kept telling myself, “This too shall pass,” and it did.
And now that the pain has passed I can see, along with the external beauty of the world that can be captured by a camera, I know the enduring beauty that can only be captured with the heart and by living a principle-centered life.
I am happy.
And I can write again.
And I am glad I can share with you.